This week we complete the Best Looking Man Ever Of All Time Tournament, a nod to the passing in September of Robert Redford, One of the Favorite Movie Stars of Guys (and Mostly Women) My Age, who figured big in this tournament when it was “played” 20 years ago.
We resurrected the tournament for that very reason.
Back then, with a lull in the calendar, we created this Purty Man Tournament to decide who was the prettiest man ever. We figured what the heck, that SOMEbody had to do it, and that somebody was me.
To coincide with the NCAA’s March Madness tournaments, we ran this in the month of March with help from readers who called or wrote in during the competition. We used the same format as the men’s and women’s tournaments: 64 teams (in this case, individual pretty men) divided into four regions and seeded, 1 through 16.
Readers called in or wrote in with their picks during the competition.
Last week, No.10-seed Moses (the Old Testament one) advanced from the History Regional. Tough to beat when he’s got the staff working.
My man No. 2-seed Robert Redford advanced from the Actors Regional.
You can see the results here.
That brings us to the final two regions, revealed below, and we conclude with the Final Four and the winner, winner, chicken dinner.
ATHLETES REGIONAL:
1. Frank Gifford: Made for New York and early TV.
2. Lance Alworth: Bambi. ’Nuff said.
3. Ken Norton: He’s a man. Holyfield was a threat for this spot, pre-bitten ear, but Ken in his prime is the better specimen, although if Holyfield reads this first and wants me to, I’ll be happy to change it.
4. Alex Rodriguez: An overwhelming favorite of the ladies, although I’ve discovered guys by and large are not fond of him. Jealousy?, or what? I’m not sure.
5. Bob Chandler: Passed away at age 45 but a stud receiver for the Oakland Raiders in the 70s.
6. Jim Palmer: Stud hurler for the Orioles in the 1960s and 70s. Did underwear commercials, but maybe he needed the money.
7. Beckham: Would have ranked higher but since he’s a soccer guy, we couldn’t count his arms or hands as part of his body.
8. Joe Namath: Broadway Joe.
9. Tom Brady: Nice first-round matchup with Namath.
10. Tony Parker: The Desperate Housewives lady would have ranked Parker No. 1. The only French-American guard to make the list.
11. Jose Theodore: A hockey player I didn’t know but you see a picture of him and he’s got almond girl’s-eyes and you’ve got to get him on the list. I think he has his own teeth, too.
12. Mark Grace: Before he got pudgy and if he doesn’t have tobacco juice dripping down his chin.
13. Apolo Ohno: Young speed skating champ and dancer.
14. Mickey Mantle: Check him out back in the day. He was a man, blonde, running in center field, in Yankee Stadium. Shoot…
15. Arnold Palmer: See Mantle. Tanned, emotions on his sleeve, steely eyed…
16. Emmitt Smith: Ladies love their smiling Cowboy.
Favorites advance in Round 1 except Theodore beats Palmer and Parker, using his hands, beats Beckham, giving soccer purists yet another challenge to overcome in defending their sport.
Chandler bumps A-Rod, then loses to Gifford, who still has some game, in the Regional Semis.
Theodore puts the biscuit in the basket yet again, handing Norton his hat, but Alworth, the Arkansas-bred San Diego Charger Hall-of-Famer, turns on the jets past the hockey guy and the ol’ Giffer.
No.2-seed Lance Alworth advances from the Athletes Regional
POTPOURRI REGIONAL:
1. Elvis Presley: Please, no explanation necessary.
2. Sting: Women think that every little thing he does is magic.
3. Frank Sinatra: Speaking of magic, that ol’ black magic…
4. Lord Byron: Made the ladies swoon, always partying like it was 1799.
5. Mario Lopez: Was a sitcom TV-kid guy and then hosted one of the dancing shows, I think? I know girls thank he’s purty!
6. LL Cool J: Hip Hop Handsome.
7. Usher: Even better looking than the guys who take up the offering.
8. Bugs Bunny: It’s all about attitude.
9. Bonanza’s Little Joe: Cute. Looked like something you’d hang from a rearview mirror, especially when he stood by Hoss.
10. John Edwards: My Carolina homeboy who won’t be president and might be just a little nutty but is having his 15 minutes.
11. The Temptations: Don’t argue with this selection. Instead, get on board. Start a Love Train, Love Train.
12. Johnny Carson: Smiles make you look better.
13. John Grisham: Literarily handsome.
14. Gavin Rossdale: So the young gals say…
15. Lenny Kravitz: Winner if we had an ‘exotic’ category.
16. Merle Haggard: The country gals were all over my man Haggard back in the ’60s, when he was hot as a stolen Grand Torino and had his hair all folded back like Conway Twitty and everything.
Elvis sleepwalks into the Final Four, beating The Hag, then Little Joe, then Lopez, who knocked off Carson (“There gooooooooooes Johnny!”) and Lord B before disposing of No. 2-seed Sting in the 1 vs. 2 Regional Finals. Sting had stung Kravitz, Usher and the Temptations, who struggled to get past Sinatra, despite having him 5-on-1 most of the contest.
No. 1-seed Elvis advances from the Potpourri Regional.
FINAL FOUR
In a matchup of No. 2s, Redford ousts Alworth in one tournament semi and in the other, Elvis, as expected, waxes No. 10 Moses, who sort of figured he was never going to see the promised land, and didn’t.
Here’s why Redford beats Elvis in the finals, by only a smidge. Elvis is probably unbeatable in the 1968 Vegas Comeback Special. But Elvis always wore Elvis-type stuff, and if he was in the room you’d know it, and he’d wear stuff not a lot of guys can wear.
Entirely “gimmick”-free, Redford would be your more timeless handsome man. Can wear anything, can blend in, has the hair thing going, and was beautiful as a young man whereas Elvis was sort of goofy-rocker cute in the movies with the hair curl and the lip thing. Anyway, it took a buzzer beater, but Redford raises the trophy.
(Cue One Shining Moment and play to fade …)
Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu