BATON ROUGE — It’s usual for LSU head football coach Brian Kelly not to hold his Monday weekly in-season press conference at the start of an open date week.
But there were so many lingering questions after the Tigers last Saturday suffered their first loss of the season, a 24-19 decision at Ole Miss, somebody needed to provide answers to a horde of inquisitive media boys and girls.
So, since I’ve been a journalist longer than Kelly has been a college head coach, I took it upon myself to fill Kelly’s role and hold a Monday press conference.
Here’s a transcript of the presser:
Coach Higgins: I want to open with an apology, a few remarks about the Ole Miss loss, and then I’ll take questions.
First, I want to apologize to our tremendously loyal fan base. A couple of weeks ago, during a postgame media press conference rant, I said, “You’re spoiled.” Many fans took that personally.
I’m sorry I said that.
What I meant to say was “You’re delusional.”
OK, I feel better. Let’s discuss this past weekend’s train wreck in Oxford.
Numerous things went wrong. But I want to point out our positives in such a hard-fought SEC game.
We broke our two-game string by not having a player ejected for targeting. The only problem is that when I told our team to avoid using their heads to reduce the chance of helmet-to-helmet collisions resulting in targeting penalties, our offensive line took it literally and tried to avoid any type of contact.
That’s our positive.
With that, I’ll open it up to questions.
OK, third row, annoying TV guy who I burned down on the ground for his Debbie Downer opening question after our thrilling win a couple of weeks ago over Florida.
Annoying TV guy: Brian, . .uh Ron, I hate to sound like a sound loop, but what is wrong with the offense? It hasn’t scored more than 27 points this season against an FBS team.
So, is it quarterback Garrett Nussmeier not being able to throw deep because of his mystery torso injury? Or is it an offensive line that can’t dominate anything except an all-you-can-chicken buffet? Or is offensive coordinator Joe Sloan being placed in conservative playcalling jail, just dialing up predictable plays because all the complex ones involving elements such as men in motion and vertical downfield passing seem to baffle your offense.
Coach Higgins: It’s our job as coaches to put our players in the best possible spots to succeed. It’s about the technical and the tactical. It’s about holding each other accountable. It’s about a lack of execution.
OK, that’s four straight cliches earnestly delivered. That’s a personal record for me.
Next question. Fifth row. Know-it-all-radio sports talk show host whom I can’t stand but treat nicely.
Know-it-all sports radio talk show host: Brian…sorry Ron. . .Nuss seems to really be struggling with an injury no one wants to talk about. He can’t throw deep. He doesn’t want to run. He doesn’t want to answer any questions about how badly he’s hurt. I could keep going because I love hearing my voice, and I never run out of words. But my bottom-line question is why don’t you change quarterbacks?
Coach Higgins: I’ve stood next to you. So, if I change quarterbacks, will you change to using a stronger deodorant?
What I’m trying to say in a very confusing “both situations stink” analogy is this.
Do I continue to use my tried-and-true roll-on knowing it has a proven track record from years of experience? Or do I go with a couple of shots of spray-on for a quick fix that may almost instantly wear off? Or do I just not take a shower or a bath until we crack 30 points in an SEC game?
It’s very complex, as you see.
Next question, the fan masquerading as an internet reporter with no formal journalistic training, who usually asks about our great homefield advantage?
Masquerading fan: Coach Kelly, uh, sorry my bad, Coach Higgins, so sorry about the loss at Ole Miss. I’m honored you’re taking my question, which is a bit different this week
So, do you think we can win a national championship at LSU? Thank you again, and I’ll just sit and listen to your answer. Again, so honored, Your Majesty, and much appreciated.
Coach Higgins: When Nick Saban was at Michigan State, he was attracted to the LSU job when he learned that Louisiana had the highest or one of the highest per capita rates in the nation of players on NFL rosters. He knew it was a state busting with high school talent.
When I was coaching Notre Dame, I wanted to coach at LSU for two reasons.
The first is that I wouldn’t have to pray to Touchdown Jesus daily to get the school to allow me to sign academically borderline recruits who couldn’t find the campus library with a search party.
The second is if Les Miles and Ed Orgeron, not exactly two of the most storied strategists in college football history, can win national championships here at LSU, why can’t I? There’s a ton of fast-as-hell Forrest Gumps within our state’s borders that I can get admitted to LSU. I could probably get some of them academic scholarships if we run out of free rides.
Or I can get them paid a nice chunk of change from Todd Graves, our Cane’s NIL billionaire, just for pretending to work a drive-in at a Cane’s in person for two hours one time a year.
Last question, old veteran reporter who sits in the front row so he can hear my answers and naps with his eyes open
Old veteran reporter: Brian,. . .golly I mean Ron, your offensive coordinator Joe Sloan seems to be bobbing for apples with his random playcalling. There were several possessions against Ole Miss where you had a decent drive going by sticking to the short and intermediate passes that Nussmeier can handle, and then Sloan would call a drive-killing deep shot downfield that Nuss is incapable of completing. How can Sloan not go off the rails in those situations?
Coach Higgins: First, I haven’t heard the phrase “bobbing for apples” for decades. Kudos for the old school cliché.
I believe the best way to help Coach Sloan is to buy him better players while providing him with creative help.
That’s why I’m proud to announce my NIL fundraising project called “Loan For Sloan.” Fans can bid weekly to become Joe’s co-offensive coordinator for every game the rest of the season.
The minimum bid is $50,000, so the fans who submit the four highest bids each week by Thursday noon will get to be Joe’s coaching booth co-pilot for one quarter each.
The only stipulation is that Joe makes all 4th down conversion gambles.
We’ll raise money for the transfer portal, and Joe can deflect criticism to the highest bidders for their questionable play-calling so the disgruntled fan base can basically blame themselves.
The way I see it, it’s a win-win, which we may not have in any shape or form until we accept our meaningless minor bowl bid.
That’s it for today’s media conference. Coach Kelly will return here on Wednesday. He will have had three days to think of something positive to say to give all Tigers fans the belief that LSU can still win the national title.
Because he’s the delusional master of illusion.
Contact Ron at ronhigginsmedia@gmail.com