By RON “MAD DOG” HIGGINS, Journal Sports
BATON ROUGE – I left my house Tuesday morning to play golf, then returned five hours later to find a loud, raucous party in progress.
My patio was full of small dogs. Some were nibbling on a charcuterie tray of various dog treats. Others had formed a conga line as “Who Let The Dogs Out?” blared from two huge speakers. Out in the backyard, plastic fire hydrants were stationed in every corner. There were starting and finishing lines painted on my grass. A group of sniffing mutts were nosing in front of an open garage window.
I walked out the back door to our patio but was stopped by a bulldog bouncer. He huffed, “Hey old man, you lost? Got an invite?”
“This is MY house,” I replied. “Where’s Skippy the Wonder Bichon?
Just about that time, Skipper, wearing shades and a fedora, emerged from a crowd of giggling female Corgis while sipping a drink.
“Have you met my bouncer Brutus?” Skippy said. “Yo Brutus, this is Dad Dude. He’s cool. Let him in. Dad Dude, wanna sip of my drink? I call it Doberman’s Delight. It has Red Bull, tequila, mango juice and a hint of lighter fluid.”
I paused to calm myself and finally asked between gritted teeth, “Skippy, what IS going on HERE?”
“It’s a `I Love Me A Whole Lotta Me’ party,” Skippy said. “I have come within one game of tying you in three of the first four weeks of our picks, “6-4 to your 7-3 last week. One bad week has left me 30-20 to your 38-12. But I’m comin’!”
“Can you shed light on this backyard setup?” I asked.
“The fire hydrants are dog porta-potties,” Skippy explained. “There’s a start and finish line because our guests are about to race each other. They’ll be chasing a mechanical squirrel.
“Barry, a beagle who runs a part-time bookie shop out of his carport kennel, has graciously set up in our garage where he’s taking bets through the open window.”
“How much is this costing?” I sputtered.
“Around $1,300,” Skipperoo said, “but the money is coming from YOUR bank account. It’s what you would have spent on the cruise this week, counting me and my brother Buddy’s boarding. When you canceled the cruise Monday fearing another tropical depression in the Gulf, I sent out the party invites.”
I walked away muttering, “I can’t win. I just CAN’T win.”
“Yes, you can,” Skippy yelled over the music. “Bet on the chihuahua to win the race. He steals his dad’s Ritalin and eats them like M and M’s. It’s why we call him `Speedy’ Gonzales.”
Here’s Week 6:
No. 1 Alabama (4-0, 1-0 SEC) at Vanderbilt (2-2, 0-1 SEC), First Bank Stadium, Nashville, Saturday, 3:15 p.m. (SEC Network)
Betting line: Alabama favored by 23
The skinny: In four quarters last week in the win over Georgia, Alabama proved no team is invincible, including almost itself.
Mad Dog’s pick: Milroe’s Militia 57, Gloria Vanderbilt School of Beauty 6
Skippy’s pick: Alabama
No. 4 Tennessee (4-0, 1-0 SEC) at Arkansas (3-2, 1-1 SEC), Reynolds Razorback Stadium, Fayetteville, Saturday, 6:30 p.m. (ESPN)
Betting line: Tennessee favored by 14
The skinny: There are better Tennessee teams than this that have scaled the mountains of Northwest Arkansas and not made it back alive. These Vols are packing a terrific defense.
Mad Dog’s pick: Just Joshin’ is Makin’ Bacon 54, Pulled Porkers 21
Skippy’s pick: Tennessee
Auburn (2-3, 0-2 SEC) at No. 5 Georgia (3-1 1-1 SEC), Sanford Stadium, Athens, Bryant-Denny Stadium, Saturday, 2:30 p.m. (ABC)
Betting line: Georgia favored by 24
The skinny: If Kirby Smart is anything like his mentor The Sabanator, he doesn’t mind a September loss to get his team re-focused to make a run to the playoffs.
Mad Dog’s pick: Kirby’s Not Just Smart, He’s Also Angry 48, Auburn Wins When Hugh Freeze’s Over 14
Skippy’s pick: Georgia
No. 12 Ole Miss (4-1, 0-1 SEC) at South Carolina (3-1 1-1 SEC), Williams-Brice Stadium, Columbia, Saturday, 2:30 p.m. (ESPN)
Betting line: Ole Miss favored by 9
The skinny: Don’t you feel sorry for Lane Kiffin after last week’s home loss to Kentucky? Nahh, I didn’t think so.
Mad Dog’s pick: Jaxson Throws Darts 34, Foghorn Leghorn Community College 24
Skippy’s pick: South Carolina
No. 9 Missouri (4-0, 1-0 SEC) at No. 25 Texas A&M (4-1, 2-1 SEC), Kyle Field, College Station, Saturday, 11 a.m. (ABC)
Betting line: Texas A&M by 2½
The skinny: I can’t decide if Texas A&M is better prepared than Mizzou because it has played legit competition or if Mizzou is sharp and well-rested after playing mostly Girls Scout Troops.
Mad Dog’s pick: Columbia Cats 27, College Station Cowchasers 24
Skippy’s pick: Texas A&M
In other games:
Iowa (3-1, 1-0 Big Ten) at No. 3 Ohio State (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten), Ohio Stadium, Columbus, Saturday, 2:30 p.m. (CBS)
Betting line: Ohio State favored by 20½
Mad Dog’s pick: Big Bad Buckeyes 42, It’s Just Iowa 10
Skippy’s pick: Ohio State
Michigan State (3-2, 1-1 in Big Ten) at No. 6 Oregon (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten), Autzen Stadium, Eugene, Friday, 8 p.m. (FOX)
Betting line: Oregon favored by 24
Mad Dog’s pick: Disco Ducks 45, Ain’t A Sparty Party 10
Skippy’s pick: Oregon
No. 15 Clemson (3-1, 2-0 ACC) at Florida State (1-4, 1-3 ACC), Doak Campbell Stadium, Tallahassee, Saturday, 6 p.m. (ESPN)
Betting line: Clemson favored by 14½
Mad Dog’s pick: Dabo Steadies the Ship 38, Florida State of Shock 21
Skippy’s pick: Clemson
UCF (3-1, 1-1 Big 12) at Florida (2-2, 1-1 SEC), Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, Gainesville, Saturday, 6:45 p.m. (SEC Network)
Betting line: UCF favored by 2½
Mad Dog’s pick: Gus Malzahn’s Waffle House Knights 27, Gainesville Crocs 24
Skippy’s pick: Florida
Tulane (3-2, 1-0 AAC) at UAB (1-3, 0-1 AAC), Protective Stadium, Birmingham, Saturday, 12 noon (ESPN+)
Betting line: Tulane favored by 15
Mad Dog’s pick: Tu-lane 35, One Lane 17
Skippy’s pick: Tulane
Contact Mad Dog or Skippy at ronhigginsmedia@gmail.com