BATON ROUGE – Some people believe the 1998 football movie “The Waterboy” is an accurate depiction of daily life in South Louisiana.
Mommas grill the lizards they kill for dinner. Cheerleaders are too drunk even to practice routines. An assistant coach wears overalls and babbles with an incoherent Cajun accent.
The main character, named Bobby Boucher (pronounced Boo-shay), played by comedian Adam Sandler, is a mama’s boy with a soft heart and the I.Q. of a crawfish.
Many Louisianians will always believe the movie, with its exaggerated everything, is insulting to those born and raised in their state. They consider the comedy the ultimate slap in the face, a way over-the-top imagination of writers Sandler and Tim Herlily.
But every once in a while, we are reminded that “The Waterboy” isn’t far off base, especially this week when Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has planted himself on his soapbox (which is needed so he can reach the microphone).
It’s at this point he transforms into Governor Laundry, a high-pitched yapping Cajun caricature with a touch of Foghorn Leghorn blowhard ignorance.
Governor Laundry never ceases to amaze, because every unfiltered thought that escapes his mouth sets a new level of ignorance that only lasts a few seconds until he spews his next wave of verbal garbage.
Ever since Sunday, when he rounded up his self-appointed posse – LSU’s Board of Supervisors, who love hearing the sounds of their voices – and ordered the firing of Tigers’ head football coach Brian Kelly, Governor Laundry has been on a power trip bender.
In just more than two minutes of his Wednesday press conference, Governor Laundry revealed his sophomoric lack of knowledge about the basic business of college athletics, doing severe damage to LSU’s chances of hiring the best possible and most qualified replacement for Kelly.
Here’s Governor Laundry’s 355-word diatribe:
“We are not going down a failed path. And I wanted to tell you something, this is a pattern. The guy here now that wrote that contract cost Texas A&M 70 something million dollars. Right now, we got a $53 million liability (Kelly’s buyout). We are not doing that again.
“You know what I believe? I believe that we’re going to find a great coach and, let President Trump pick it. He loves winners, you know, I’m not gonna be picking the next coach.
“But I can promise you, we’re gonna pick a coach and we’re gonna make sure that that coach is successful, and we’re gonna make sure that he’s compensated properly, and we’re gonna put metrics on it, because I’m tired of rewarding failure in this country and then leaving the taxpayers to foot the bill. So, yeah, absolutely.
“No, I can tell you right now, Scott Woodward is not selecting the next coach, Hell, I’ll let Donald Trump select him before I let him do it. I don’t know, but the Board of Supervisors is gonna come up with a committee and they’re gonna go find us a coach.
“Hold on, hold on. One more quick thing. Here’s what y’all reporters need to do. Y’all need to start looking at who represents all these people, like these agents. You know, it’s interesting. I’m not mistaken. Woodward’s agent. Kelly’s agent. The Texas A&M agent. They’re all the same agent.
“Like, this is ridiculous. Lawyers would be disbarred for the way these agents act and the way they go to represent. In fact, there’s no doubt they may even represent some of the players now, like it’s really time for the NCAA to put on some guardrails in college sports. Because it is fine. We don’t need the guardrails. Big billionaires want to spend all that kind of money, no problem.
“But if I got to go find $53 million for Kelly it’s not going to be a pleasant conversation. I’m just telling you. I think I know. I think that’s important as well. Y’all should start looking into that.”
Well, Governor Laundry, as a proud member of the Y’all profession for 46 years, I don’t need to look into anything to immediately understand all the lies you told to fit your “I’m the boss, hoss” narrative.
Here’s the short list:
- When Woodward was Texas A&M’s athletic director from January 2016 to April 2019, he hired Florida State’s Jimbo Fisher as head football coach. Fisher’s contract was 10 years, $75 million.
In August 2021, Ross Bjork, Woodward’s successor as A&M’s athletic director, awarded Fisher a four-year extension that increased his annual salary to more than $9 million.
So when A&M fired Fisher in November 2023, his $77.5 million buyout was primarily the result of the extension Fisher signed under Bjork, not Woodward.
- Louisiana taxpayers don’t pay the salaries or buyouts of any of LSU’s head coaches and assistants in any sports. LSU’s athletic department is one of the few self-sufficient athletic departments in the country, receiving no funding from the government or student fees.
- Governor Laundry’s promise of “we’re gonna put metrics on it (the next LSU head football coach contract), because I’m tired of rewarding failure in this country and then leaving the taxpayers to foot the bill” is absolute babbling BS rhetoric.
You want metrics, Governor Laundry? In the U.S. News and World Report state rankings in various categories, Louisiana was 50th (that’s dead last) in two categories (economy and crime corrections) and 44th or worse in six other categories.
- Governor Laundry claimed Woodward, Kelly, and Fisher all have the same agent.
Brian Kelly is represented by Trace Armstrong. Jimbo Fisher is represented by Jimmy Sexton. Woodward’s agent is unknown, but Armstrong and Sexton have never listed Woodward as a client.
- Governor Laundry loudly proclaimed that Woodward — who has hired two LSU head coaches (baseball’s Jay Johnson, women’s basketball’s Kim Mulkey) and promoted another to head coach (women’s gymnastics Jay Clark) who have combined to win four national championships in the last three years — will not be involved in hiring LSU’s new head football coach.
Instead, conducting the search is the Board of Supervisors, mostly Governor Laundry appointees who have no clue about the difficulties of pinpointing, negotiating, and hiring a major college head football coach clandestinely as possible.
In this new lawless era of college athletics of NIL with no spending limits and a transfer portal without boundaries, the last thing any prospective head coach wants is being hired by a school where a state governor is calling the shots.
Considering such shenanigans of Louisiana governors meddling with the LSU football program dates back to Huey Long in the 1920s and 1930s, you sadly realize one thing.
The Louisiana political circus never changes. It’s just a new set of clowns are elected every few years.
Like Governor Laundry.
Contact Ron at ronhigginsmedia@gmail.com