After many years of campaigning, I’m hopeful that my efforts are about to pay off in my never-ending endeavor to become Czar of Sports. (I liked “King” better, but the powers that be went with the Russian alternative to sound more authoritarian.)
Once appointed, I’ve got a list of things to deal with (read: banish). And it’s not going to be pretty.
There’s a clear No. 1, but before we go there, let’s get a few others on the chopping block out of the way.
Once my appointment becomes final, there will be no more booing of the visiting baseball team whenever they try to pick a home team player off first base. If they throw over 13 times, I’d get it. But MLB has changed the rules, so there are only going to be two attempts before the third one either has to work or it’s a free base for the runner.
What’s so annoying about a pickoff attempt that fans feel the need to boo? Because it wastes all of 21 seconds?
Next – and this one is rapidly moving up the charts – is the elimination of the word “room” to describe a position group on a team. Pro, college and, sadly, even high school.
Don’t know how this started but it must be removed from the lexicon as soon as I take office. Note to Joe Fan: You are not an insider because you say “wide receiver room” or “linebacker room.” In fact, it qualifies you as a First Degree Doofus for trying to sound like a coach.
What are these “rooms?” Are they carpeted? Window treatments? Is the deep snapper room the same size as the offensive linemen room? That doesn’t seem fair.
While we’re at it, let’s stop classifying it as a “shocking upset” when a No. 5 seed loses to a No. 12 seed in the NCAA’s March Madness tournament. It’s so common these days that it’s actually shocking when it doesn’t happen.
But there’s a clear winner of the Banishment List and it has only been exacerbated now that football season is upon us. To be honest, it’s shocking how out of control it has become – at all levels.
This business of signaling first down every time a ball carrier gets past the chains has become Grade A annoying. There are about, what, 50 first downs a game? And you see it on about 45 of them.
Boy, nothing gets me pumped up more than a running back picking up three yards on 3rd-and-2 and letting everyone know that it’s about to be a new set of downs.
You’d almost swear that every NFL wide receiver has a bonus clause that pays him every time he signals first down.
First of all, we know it’s a first down! That yellow line tells all the television viewers that it’s a first down. Just about everybody paying attention in the stadium knows it’s a first down. The teammates know. The opposition knows.
Thanks for letting us in on the big secret.
As Czar, this may be my first proclamation: Anybody who signals first down when it’s actually not a first down gets a 15-yard penalty and has to go sit down by the teammates who have been busted for targeting.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not anti-celebration. Thrilling touchdowns, record-setting field goals; long punt returns – y’all have at it.
But I didn’t accept the position as Czar of Sports to just sit back and watch these stupid gestures go unnoticed or unpunished.
There’s plenty more to discuss, but I’ll save those for another day, but if you are someone who thinks it’s cool to untuck your jersey after the game is over, I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I were you.
Contact JJ at johnajamesmarshall@yahoo.com