When you have idle time during the Christmas holidays, your imagination can run wild.
So, here’s a look ahead of what will happen in LSU sports in 2024.
JANUARY
LSU beats Wisconsin 38-17 in the ReliaQuest Bowl. New starting quarterback Garrett Nussmeier is named the game’s MVP after throwing for 345 yards and 5 TDs, including one to offensive tackle Will Campbell on a tackle-eligible play. Campbell tries to celebrate in the end zone but is penalized for illegal use of dance moves. . .Tigers’ head coach Brian Kelly announces after the game he’s naming Nussmeier and quarterback coach Joe Sloan as permanent co-offensive coordinators to replace the departed Mike Denbrock. “We’re constantly exploring ways to connect our players with lucrative paydays,” Kelly said. . .With paramedics standing by as well as LSU gymnastic coach Jay Clark holding a fire extinguisher, Tigers’ senior gymnast and 2021 NCAA vault champion Haleigh Bryant becomes the first gymnast – man or woman – to score a 10 in the vault executing a Yurchenko Double Pike while flipping through a flaming ring of fire. Not to be outdone, teammate Alyona Shchennikova scores her first-ever 10 with a bars routine in which sticks a perfect landing after flying over a pit of vipers and rattlesnakes.
FEBRUARY
In a unique first-pitch ceremony for the season-opener vs. VMI for the defending national champion Tigers, LSU honors its two top NIL sugar daddies Baton Rouge injury attorney Gordon McKernan and Cane’s Chicken Fingers founder Todd Graves. With McKernan batting and Graves throwing on the first pitch, McKernan launches a solo homer into the left-field bleachers. As he rounds the bases, the Alex Box P.A. system blares McKernan’s rap commercial “Get Gordon and get it done!” LSU head coach Jay Johnson, caught up in the moment, pulls a groin muscle while attempting to dance. He is immediately listed as day-to-day.
MARCH
Former and current LSU point guard and former Tulane point guard Jalen Cook takes the spotlight when the Tigers and Green Wave play in a first-round NIT game. To drum up ticket sales, head coaches Matt McMahon of LSU and Ron Hunter of Tulane agree the winner of the game will have Cook on their team for his senior season in 2024-25. Cook’s game-winning free throws give the Tigers a 2-point win. Four days later, Cook announces he’s entering the NBA Draft after LSU loses a second-round NIT game to McNeese and former Tigers’ head coach Will Wade. In an angry postgame press conference, Wade wonders out loud why his team didn’t host the game and had to play in LSU’s “gym.”
APRIL
LSU’s women’s basketball team defends its national championship with an 85-60 win over completely disoriented South Carolina. Tigers freshman guard Mikaylah Williams, from Bossier City and Parkway High School, wins most Most Valuable Player honors. But LSU head coach Kim Mulkey credits point guard Hailey Van Lith for playing a major role in the victory. Van Lith combines her love of basketball and baking by scoring 15 points and making two batches of marijuana-laced brownies she places in the South Carolina dressing room three hours before tipoff. In the second half, the Gamecocks make just 2 of 28 shots and commit 26 turnovers, including 15 three-second in-the-lane violations when Carolina post players simply fall to the court and roll around in the paint giggling.
MAY
With LSU baseball’s team mired in a batting slump, former Tigers’ designated hitter Cade Beloso makes a surprise appearance during a home series opener vs. Texas A&M dressed as Jobu, the Voodoo doll from the movie “Major League” who supposedly blesses bats. Umpires tell Tigers’ head coach Jay Johnson that “Beloso-Bu” is forbidden from dancing in front of the dugout during the LSU hitters’ walk-up songs. Instead, Beloso-Bu stands on the top steps of the dugout, pounds a conga drum while shouting non-sensical voodoo hexes at opposing pitchers and lights several gloves on fire. Completely unnerved, Vandy uses seven pitchers who give up seven home runs and hit 10 LSU batters in a 23-3 Tigers’ rout.
JUNE
LSU baseball misses a second straight to the CWS in Omaha by losing a home Super Regional to new fellow SEC member Oklahoma. The day following the loss, unemployment rises dramatically in Omaha with massive layoffs by bar and restaurant owners anticipating huge financial losses from LSU’s CWS absence.
JULY
Former LSU head football coaches Les Miles and Ed Orgeron, with money from their lucrative buyouts after being fired by the school, open a bar in Bimini called “Sandbaggers.” The bar’s feature drink is the “Geaux Ti-gah” featuring a splash of gin, a dash of rum, a tuft of grass and a shot of lighter fluid.
AUGUST
Las Vegas is under siege for the final days of August from 20,000 LSU fans who have made the trip to Sin City for the Tigers’ Sept. 1 season opener vs. USC. Police make more than 100 arrests per day for almost a week of drunk Tigers fans conducting swimming races in the Bellagio fountains.
SEPTEMBER
LSU breezes through September with five straight wins to open the season. Win No. 5 comes over South Alabama which Tigers’ head coach Brian Kelly brazenly refers to as UAM, the University of Alabama-Mobile.
OCTOBER
Fresh off an open date, LSU looks rested and rusty as unbeaten Ole Miss hands the Tigers their first loss of the year in Tiger Stadium. The Tigers are driving for the game-winning score when the Rebels sneak into the game a ball soaked with the pee of Juice Kiffin, Ole Miss coach Lane Kiffin’s dog. LSU immediately commits a turnover on a QB center gaffe when LSU QB Garrett Nussmeier tries to hold his nose with his left hand while taking the snap with just his right hand.
NOVEMBER
LSU freshman Aeron Burrell of Bossier City’s Parkway High School, the Tigers’ long-distance field goal kicker, launches a school record game-winning 61-yard field goal as time expires to give the No. 12 Tigers an overtime win over No. 1 Alabama in Tiger Stadium. Tide head coach Nick Saban says the kick shouldn’t count, claiming the ball was inflated with helium.
DECEMBER
Despite losing to top-seeded Texas in the SEC championship game, the Tigers are part of the first 12-team College Football Playoff field. The No. 9 seed Tigers advance to quarterfinals in the Peach Bowl vs. No. 1 seed Oregon. Using one pass rusher and dropping the other 10 defenders into pass coverage, LSU loses the game on a Hail Mary TD throw. The pass bounces off the helmet of an LSU defensive back and into the hands of a Ducks’ receiver. LSU defensive coordinator Matt House, disguised as a referee, departs the stadium in a Brinks armored truck.
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