Parting is such sweet, insincere sorrow

Among the many things I’m tired of reading and hearing about are these “goodbye” messages from college athletes when they are about to abandon leave one school and head for another.

First of all, it’s not like they are the ones carefully crafting every single word and then working on their Photoshop skills to put together this disingenuous heartfelt, BS-filled tear-jerking Instagram post to all of their fans. (There’s a cottage industry I should have gotten into – creating and designing transfer portal graphics. With the new freedom of movement, I’d never be out of work.)

Secondly, these posts are all basically the same. Here’s some news for you Mr. Wide Receiver who is leaving State U. – you’re not exactly breaking new ground here with your epistle. And no one is going to confuse you with Maya Angelou.

And most importantly, it’s not going to make any of the jilted fans feel any better. By the time they read what you didn’t write, they’ve already put you in their rearview mirror. See ya.

But let’s get out the ol’ Excrement Detector and translate what these players are really saying without actually saying it. What follows is a compilation of a few of these transfer messages that seem to hit the social media car wash with increasing regularity.

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To the (school) family – [you can stop right there; they aren’t your “family” anymore. You are basically running away from home.]

I want to start off by saying that I really do appreciate the opportunity that I had to come develop myself academically and athletically. [Really? Doesn’t sound like it to us.] My time as a (school nickname) has come to an end [It’s come to an end because you’re quitting]. I would like to start a new chapter in my life and explore my options to continue my career as a student-athlete elsewhere. [How about exploring your options of sucking it up?]

I would like to thank God for giving me the opportunity to play the game I love. For the past two years, the (school nickname) family has been amazing. [Here we go with the “family” again.] Your love and support have earned a special place in my heart. [But not enough to get me to stay.]

To my teammates, you pushed me every day to be a better player and we became brothers throughout that journey. Going into battle with you weekly has given me memories I will always cherish. [Until I get to a new school and then I won’t remember any of your names.]

I want to thank Coach and the entire coaching staff. I am forever grateful for the opportunity and support to represent this university. [And then leave it because I think I’m better than I really am.]

(School nickname) Nation, thank you for allowing me to be a student-athlete at this prestigious institution. [Leaving out the part about how you don’t even know where the library is at the “prestigious institution.”]  Thank you to every teammate and coach these last three seasons. We won several games together and made memories that I will cherish forever. [If we had won more, I’d probably stay.] Special thanks to my family and friends for your support. [And those who never tell me no.] At this time, I would like to announce that I have decided to enter the transfer portal to continue my academic and athletic career. [So you’re transferring to search for a better biology department?]

Thank you again, (jilted school). I will miss you. [Until the U-Haul hits the interstate.]