It hit me like a ton of bricks; I was ultimately responsible. That’s what they said in seminary, that the pastor was ultimately responsible. I learned the lesson in 1985, when Helen came out of the lady’s restroom at the church building complaining that there was no sacred paper in the room. “Who is responsible,” she bellowed. I was/am.

I was thinking about the whole realm of possibilities for avoiding responsibility. I write this “tongue in cheek” but you get the idea.

Let’s face it: responsibility is overrated. It’s the broccoli of adulthood—nutritious, necessary, and universally avoided until absolutely forced. But fear not, fellow obligation-evaders, for I bring you tried-and-true techniques to sidestep the shackles of accountability while keeping the illusion of competence.

1. Master the Power of the “Accidental” Oversight. If someone asks, “Did you email the report?” simply widen your eyes and say, “Wait… that was my task?!” This classic maneuver pairs beautifully with faux shock and frantic digging through folders. Bonus points if you fumble with your mouse like you’ve never used a computer before.

2. The Eternal E-mail Forward. When in doubt, forward the task to someone else with a cryptic message like, “Looping you in—thought this was more your area.” Now you’re not avoiding responsibility; you’re collaborating. You’re empowering. You’re… basically a leader.

3. Weaponized Incompetence. Why try, when you can fail so spectacularly on purpose that no one dares ask again? Mow the lawn into checkerboard patterns. Fold laundry into abstract origami. Burn toast with scientific precision. Soon, others will say, “It’s just easier if I do it myself.” Victory.

4. The Phantom Meeting Excuse. Nothing cloaks irresponsibility like the mythical, ever-running back-to-back meetings. “Sorry I missed that—was deep in Zoomland,” you’ll say, adjusting nonexistent headphones. If pressed, toss around vague jargon: “We were syncing on Q3 KPIs.” Nobody knows what that means. That’s the beauty of it.

5. Delay with Flair. Avoid saying no. Instead, say, “Let me circle back with some thoughts,” then enter a witness protection program. If followed up, respond with, “Waiting on some final input” (no one will ask from whom). Stall with the confidence of a bureaucrat stuck in a printer paper requisition loop.

6. Use Children, Pets, and Houseplants as Scapegoats. “My dog chewed through my internet cable.” “The kids scheduled a surprise virtual science fair.” “My fern needed emotional support.” The more oddly specific, the more believable. Besides, who’s going to interrogate a plant?

7. Mystify with Tech Jargon. If someone accuses you of negligence, murmur, “Must’ve been an authentication caching error on the API endpoint.” Say it like it haunts you in your dreams. They’ll back away slowly, unsure whether to nod or call IT.

8. Become the Question Master. Answer every request with a question. “Can you finish this by Friday?” you say, “What do we mean by ‘finish’?” “Who defines ‘Friday’ in a globalized world?” You’ve not avoided the task—you’ve started a philosophical dialogue. Bravo.

9. Disappear into the Vortex of Group Chats. Group chats are magical. Tasks vanish into the sea of emojis, gifs, and “LOL”s. If mentioned by name, hit them with a “thumbs up” reaction—neither confirming nor denying responsibility. You’re present, yet ephemeral. Like a responsibility ghost.

You caught on didn’t you, each one of us is ultimately responsible for the life we live. Or as the Bible says, we must all stand and give an account of the life we have lived, no excuses, no explanations. Each one of us before God!