LAS VEGAS – Just when movie buffs didn’t think there would be another sequel in The Hangover series that started here in Sin City, comes The Hangover V.
It stars LSU fans, disgusted with a 27-20 loss to USC on Sunday in the Modelo Vegas Classic, many of whom probably ended up drunk and passed out on top of Vegas hotel roofs, in all-night diners and Elvis wedding chapels cursing everything that went wrong leading to a fifth straight season-opening loss for the not-for-too-much longer 13th ranked Tigers.
There was an enormous Vegas buffet of blame to be passed around for an extremely winnable game LSU somehow refused to accept.
The most puzzling thing when it was all over was wondering why USC head coach Lincoln Riley tried for almost two years to get out of this game after USC signed the contract.
Didn’t Riley watch the Tigers’ four previous stinkeroo losing openers to Mississippi State (2020), UCLA (2021) and Florida State (2022 and 2023)?
If anything after LSU sank again in its yearly maiden voyage, it’s Power 4 Conference teams will now call the Tigers and offer large sums of guaranteed money to schedule a sure win over one of college football’s name brands.
Note to Verge Ausberry, LSU assistant athletic director in charge of scheduling:
It’s only fun for Tigers fans to experience a first-time game setting like Green Bay or Las Vegas if LSU wins.
There’s no shame in being like the majority of the SEC and finding a Division 1-AA directional school to beat by 70 in an opener.
Makes the players feel good and gain a little confidence. They can make mistakes and still win. Lessens suicidal thoughts from the fan base. Head coach isn’t dog-cussed right off the bat.
All this macho stuff that “We’re LSU and we don’t back away from a challenge” must be tabled for a season opener.
Pay a humpty $750,000 to be a Week 1 Tiger Stadium human sacrifice. Don’t wait until Week 2 like this Saturday vs. Nicholls. You might beat Nicholls by 80, but it won’t remove the stench of LSU being incapable of putting its foot on USC’s throat in the fourth quarter and choking out the Trojans.
For the second consecutive season opener, the Tigers’ massively hyped offensive line was a huge disappointment. Against an all-new USC starting defensive line filled with SEC transfer portal castaways, LSU had no viable rushing attack.
Nineteen of the Tigers’ 26 rushing attempts gained 4 or fewer yards. That’s embarrassing for an O-line whose leader (Will Campbell) said it was going to Vegas “for a fistfight.”
It also didn’t help that new starting quarterback Garrett Nussmeier, who threw for 304 yards, two TDs and an interception on LSU’s final snap, didn’t bother to present himself at least once or twice as a running threat.
Sure, he’s nowhere as fast as Jayden Daniels, LSU’s Heisman Trophy-winning QB from a year ago. Few QBs on the planet can turn a scramble into a 60-yard plus TD run like Daniels, now starting QB for the NFL’s Washington Commanders who watched Sunday’s game from the LSU sideline.
But Nussmeier needs to run on RPO plays occasionally to keep the defense from sitting in the chaise loungers in the gaps waiting for running backs.
Defensively, not even the $16.11 million shelled out by LSU head coach Brian Kelly to hire an entirely new defensive staff can provide an instant miracle cure.
“We have warts,” Kelly of his defense afterward, “and they’re not going away overnight. But they got better.”
Maybe some individual players improved, like defensive end Sai’vion Jones, who had 5 tackles (4 solo), 2 sacks, 1 pass breakup and 1 forced fumble.
But when USC needed a guaranteed completion, Trojans’ QB Miller Moss feasted on LSU’s defensive underbelly that was as soft and expansive as whale blubber.
Evidence is USC never had to face a third-down situation on its last two TD drives of the game.
Also, Kelly didn’t do his defense any favors by having LSU’s offense bypass a chip-shot field goal for a quick lead at the end of the Tigers’ massive 74-yard, 13-play game-opening drive that ate almost half of the first-quarter clock.
USC blitzed on fourth down, Nussmeier threw the ball away and those missing three points came back throughout the game to bite the Tigers in the butt.
Even worse, two LSU personal foul penalties by veterans Kyren Lacy and Major Burns – both for unsportsmanlike conduct – led to field position helping USC score 10 points.
As good as Lacy played for a half – all 7 of his catches for 94 yards and 1 TD came in the first two quarters – his unsportsmanlike conduct penalty was textbook dumb.
After his TD, he pantomimed shooting a gun at the USC defender he had just toasted. The flag led to LSU having to kick off from its 20 instead of 35, allowing USC return specialist Zachariah Branch room to bust a 46-yard return that led to a USC field goal.
Nussmeier and linebacker Harold Perkins Jr. said the only things they could during postgame media interviews.
They were the standard losing team clichés such as:
“This is a good learning experience that will help us the rest of the season.”
“Gotta get back to the building and watch the tape.”
“We’ve just got to execute.”
“It’s a long season. We’re still in contention for the playoffs, that’s where we see ourselves.”
Yes, the new 12-team playoff provides hope that teams with two losses still have a shot at making the field.
The problem is LSU again has an `L’ after week one and has to be virtually perfect the rest of the way.
That would be as miraculous as the majority of grumpy Tigers fans piling into the Las Vegas airport Monday without pounding headaches and alcohol sweats but all having the same lament.
“How many thousands of dollars did we spend watching this season-opening poop again?”
Contact Ron at ronhigginsmedia@gmail.com